Homeless

Well, I am back in Artesia. Normally I would say I am home, but this doesn't feel like home anymore. Nowhere really feels like home right now. I am in a weird place in my life. I felt like I was home in Cork and in London, but I also knew it was temporary. I spent this past weekend in Lubbock, where I lived for 4 years, yet it didn't feel like home. I grew up in Artesia and lived here most of my life, yet my parents' house doesn't feel like my home.

I think I am experiencing reverse culture shock for the first time. After returning from trips abroad, I have usually experienced it in small ways, but obviously this time I have many more adjustments. I think this feeling of "not belonging" is a big part of that. Most of my friends fit into two categories--college students or newly married/working. I do not fit into either of those. Don't get me wrong; I love my life and the category of BUM is pretty great for the time-being. :)

Being in Lubbock was a weird experience for me, especially when Kory and I had to drop something off in the SUB (student union building) on LCU's campus. It was like deja vu for an extended period of time. I was in a place I had spent so much time and yet it was like I knew I didn't belong there and I felt like I was in a dream or something. Coming to Artesia has been much the same--a familiar place, yet I feel like I am not really here. I have to keep reminding myself that this is reality and I am eating dinner with my parents and taking a walk with Mom and this is my life, here and now. This might not make any sense to you but explaining it in words helps me make sense of it all.

If you know me very well, you know I am a very social person and love talking and hanging out and being around people. Well, since coming back to America, I have felt insanely anti-social, which is a pretty weird feeling for me. If I haven't replied to your text messages or called you back or didn't see you in Lubbock, this is why. I feel guilty and I am sorry but I really didn't have much desire to be with people in general--it has nothing to do with you personally. Luckily, I didn't feel this way about Kory. I wanted to be with him all the time and it was so great hanging out with him.

I am sure this will all get better as I settle into life in America and make the necessary adjustments. One thing I am learning is that when most people ask how my time in Europe was, all they really want to hear is "awesome". So, I give them that response and we both go on our merry way. The pace of life is one of the biggest adjustments. Life definitely moves a lot slower here. That adds to the weirdness when I feel like this fuzzy, dream-like state of life is also moving in slow motion.